Summary 

In this insightful episode, I’m delving into the final type of the Stress Types mini-series, exploring the "people pleaser" or "fawn" response. This episode is a must-listen for professional working moms who identify as overachievers and struggle with social settings that challenge their fat-burning goals. I want to normalize the instinctive need to fit in, but also empower you with tools to break free from the people-pleasing cycle that derails weight loss and personal growth. I’ll share my own journey and teach strategies to align actions with your deeper values, ensuring that even in stressful social situations, you remain in control.

Learn more: https://www.burnstressloseweight.com/ 

Sign up for my Masterclass on October 4th: https://www.burnstressloseweight.com/masterclass

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

• What the "people pleaser" or "fawn" stress response is and why it’s deeply rooted in survival instincts.
• Why fitting in during social situations can sabotage your weight loss and self-growth efforts.
• How to use the ABCD bridge to navigate social pressure and remain aligned with your goals.
• Personal insights from my people-pleasing journey, from childhood to professional life.
• Practical steps to model self-confidence and resilience for your children, teaching them how to say "no" and stand by their values.

Listen to the Full Episode:

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Featured on the Show:

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Download the full transcript here.

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  Hey Unstoppable Friend, you're listening to the Burn Stress, Lose Weight podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Priyanka Venugopal, a physician turned stress and weight loss coach for professional working moms and the founder of the Burn Stress, Lose Weight, Feel Unstoppable small group coaching program. This podcast is going to inspire change at the root for you on and off the scale. I've lost a little over 60 pounds while being a busy physician mom with two young kids and an unpredictable schedule. And along my journey, which was full of many, many imperfect moments, I have learned how to skip past the fads and the gimmicks. I am on this mission now to share with you how you can have a real strategy and mindset skills to really have more of the life you want that you have worked so hard for. Let's get into it. 

  Hey friends, welcome back to the stress type mini series. We are here finally on episode four of the series where we're going to be covering the people pleaser or what I like to think about as the fawn response. So if you are new to the series, if you have not been following for the last few weeks, I highly encourage you to pause the episode today go back to the very first episode in the Burn Stress Lose Weight series, where I am breaking down the four stress types that really break into fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. These are stress types that specifically more than the average bear impact the professional working mom who identifies as an overachiever. If you have ever thought in your mind, and I've talked with so many of you, so I know that you have felt this way. I know what to do, but sometimes I'm just not doing it. If only I was a little bit more consistent, a little bit more disciplined, if only life felt a little bit easier, then I would start seeing consistent results on the scale. Yes. And no, the whole intention of the series is to show you that for consistent execution on your fat burning action plan, which is essential for consistent results. You have to have consistent execution, but what is ever in the way of consistent execution for the smart, resourceful, professional woman? It is going to be one of these stress cycles. Over the course of the series, we have been covering flight, where we talk about when you hide from the world from uncomfortable emotions, real life circumstances, or real life uncomfortable emotions like disappointment, frustration, anger, irritation, how we use food and alcohol to hide from those emotions. That was the very first episode in the series. The second one that we talked about was Fight or what I like to call the advocate. This is where you might have a lot of I deserve it thoughts. If you have really been deep prioritizing your rest and relaxation, because again, as an overachiever, you're likely taking care of so many people and so many things in your life. That when your rest and relaxation gets deprioritized, you'll have a lot of, I deserve it thoughts. This creates again, that fight response that drives us to go off plan. The third one that I talked about last week was the procrastinator, or what I like to think of as the freeze response. That was an episode it was really fun for me to record because I did it while I was procrastinating in a CVS parking lot. And I just brought you along for the ride. And a lot of my intention, even in the series is for you to. Take away that having a stress cycle response being in fight, flight, freeze or fawn in itself is not a problem. Being in a stress cycle response is normal for our very human brains. When we perceive some serious discomfort, or maybe even perceive a threat, our brain is hardwired We're hardwired to go to fight, flight, reason, font as a survival mechanism. But what has happened over the many years, many decades, especially as overachievers is our brain cannot tell the difference between a saber tooth tiger and a looming deadline and a spreadsheet. And a social event, right? Where you are going to maybe be different than everyone else. That's what we're, what we're talking about today. So the intention of the series is number one, to normalize that you're going to experience real life stresses. You're going to have those moments that feel truly sticky and uncomfortable because it is messy being human. And also when we become aware of our patterns of our habits, when we become aware of how stress takes us off track from executing consistently, we can start to gain more power. So that's what you're learning on the series where I go into the ABCD bridge. I've talked about in every episode so far, we're going to walk through it today also on the Fawn episode and really understand that the stress on itself in itself is just not a problem. We can walk our way out when we become aware of the experience that we're in. And when we start to do that, the beauty of this work, the beauty of what we're talking about is you will start to blow your mind with how you can start creating consistent results on and off the scale, the work that we're talking about applies with weight loss, but it will apply to your professional life. It will apply to hitting a goal with, you know, a personal relationships and how you can start to create that level of consistent results. Even when you're living the life of a busy professional mom, which is full of sticky moments and stressful situations.

  As I've been using the think, feel act cycle over the last few episodes, it is going to be a framework that we use to show us that. All of our actions to ever snack, graze, nibble, lick, taste, ever go off plan, ever be not disciplined, ever be inconsistent with what we said we were going to do, always is happening for a reason. Our actions and our inactions never are happening in a vacuum. They're happening because of an emotion that we are feeling or an emotion that we're trying to avoid. That's ultimately what the stress cycle responses are all about. And those emotions that we feel happen because of a thought we are having. So I know a lot of times high achievers, especially will want to just double down on the action plan. I see you because I have been there. I still do this to this day. I see my clients doing this in the unstoppable group where you'll think that if you don't hit a result one week or you don't hit a goal, I just need to double down on the plan, right? How often have we thought that what the series is intended to really shed light on is, yes, you want to change how you show up to get new results. But to do that, we have to first uncover what were you thinking and feeling that drove you to go off plan to begin with. And if we can start to unravel and become deeply aware of what you were thinking and feeling that drove you to go off plan that drove you to have this level of unchecked stress, you will create so much more empowerment and really feel unstoppable in executing on your plan in a way that you said you would.

  So let's get into the fun stress cycle, or what I like to call the people pleaser. This is going to be a flavor of stress cycle responses that touches some people more than others. Some of you might not identify as a people pleaser. You might actually identify as a very confident, very social person where it's easy for you to connect with others. Maybe you identify as an extrovert. And even if that is you, some parts of this episode are still going to apply. If you find yourself eating in social situations, when your gut or your body is not actually hungry. You might be on the other end of the spectrum, that's kind of like me, where you identify someone that has been a people pleaser in social settings. Maybe you have felt a little awkward or a little bit different or a little just different from the group and you find yourself wanting to be a certain way, talk in a certain way, show up in a certain way. That's me. That's me. So that you have that feeling of fitting in and belonging. So let me just start by saying that that desire that you have to belong to be a part of a group, whether it's with a friend circle or in a community, it could be in your, you know, the school PTA, it could be with your neighbors at the bus stop. It could be with new friends. When you move to a new town, it could be on the soccer field. When you're taking your kid to soccer practice, it could just be in your actual friend circle that you've had for a decade, that desire to belong, to fit in in the group, to not be the one that is different is normal. And a lot of that desire to belong and to be a part of the group, to not be different is steeped in a survival mechanism that is eons old. It's hardwired into our brain, the primitive part of our brain, that being different, not fitting in, not belonging is going to inadvertently gets kicked out of the herd, right? Old mentality. Getting kicked out of the herd is very naturally associated with our inability to survive. So we just want to normalize our desire to belong, to be a part of the group, to fit in with the group of people that we are with is very normal. I know for me, that feeling of wanting to fit in and feeling like I was just different from everyone else, started when I was four years old, I feel like I've told the story on the podcast, but if I haven't, I can remember from my earliest memory, which just shows how hardwired this desire to fit in, to belong, to not be different is. I remember when I went to preschool as a four year old, the very first thing that I noticed was that I looked different. I had darker skin, I had black hair and everyone in my. Preschool, at least from my memory, this might not even be factual, but my memory is that everyone looked different than me. I felt like I looked different. I also didn't speak English when I started preschool. I spoke Hindi. That was the language that my parents had raised me with at that point, so I didn't even speak the language, right? So talk about being totally different. And all I can remember, and I'm having goosebumps even as I share this, All I can remember from that memory, I cannot remember, you know, somebody including me. I don't remember kids being nice or not nice. I just remember this desire that I had of I just want to fit in. And what's so fascinating is that feeling that I had at the age of four. grew up with me. It was a feeling and, you know, an experience that I had that started to evolve as I got older. It showed up differently in elementary school and it took its own shape in high school, for sure, and in college. And what's interesting, even with that feeling of wanting to fit in, wanting to belong, as I grew up, as I became obviously more mature, more responsible, became more of an adult, That feeling also evolved, it became smarter, right? So the way that I might have showed up in college or even in my adult life as a mom, as an, as an attending, when I was in practice, I might have felt confident in many ways. I might have showed up very confidently in certain ways, but on the inside, That feeling was still there. If I want to fit in, I want to belong. I want to have approval, external validation from my peers, my colleagues, my bosses, right? Senior partners, parents, right? We can think about how often this feeling, why we are people pleasing and in this I just want someone else's approval of me. And if we don't get it, I remember so many times I'm like, Oh, I'm not getting that feeling of validation because we haven't done the work or understand how to internally validate ourself. We start to feel inadequate. Here's some scenarios that you will find yourself in. If you are in the people pleasing stress cycle, you might have a thought like, I don't want to be different. You might think everyone else is eating or drinking. So I should too. You might think I don't want to be rude or what might that person think if I order differently? You might think they are going to think I'm so weird. If I come to this social event and I don't eat anything, you might think I don't want to order differently. Or you might even take this to the next level and convince yourself that it is toxic or restrictive. To say no to food when everyone else is saying yes, you might think I don't want to ruin everyone else's fun or everyone else is having this shared experience. I want to also, you might find yourself thinking I need a really good excuse to eat differently. You might find yourself wanting to make up allergies or say crazy things so that you have an excuse to say no. Now, when you have some flavor, and I want you to take this through the filter of your highest wisdom and your life and how this shows up for you in social settings when you're with other people. And again, this doesn't have to be girls night out or, or in like a social gathering. This could be in any scenario that you are with other people and there's food or alcohol involved. Really check in when you think those sentences of, I don't want to be different. I don't want to be different from everyone else. I want to fit in with everyone else. What is the emotion that you feel in your body? In my experience, the feelings that I've noticed the most will be inadequacy, lack, scarcity, loneliness. Awkward, embarrassment, even shame. And when we are unaware of the fact that these thoughts are creating these emotions, and we have in our primitive brain hardwired those emotions with a saber toothed tiger, right, this feeling of embarrassment or awkwardness feels like a serious threat, here's what our next Actions end up being our actions and our inactions driven by that stress cycle response. You'll convince yourself that saying no to certain foods is unhealthy or toxic. You will try to justify your food choices, which makes you act more awkward. I know that I've totally done this. You will eat food when your body is not actually hungry, or you'll eat types of foods that you know your gut doesn't love or isn't aligned with your goal. Rather than throwing food away or saying no to something, you will treat your body like a trash can. And you'll just eat because everyone else is, or because you don't want to throw it away. Your social activities, if your social activities are always centered around eating out, they never get challenged. You end up eating, snacking, nibbling, tasting, drinking when your body's not hungry, and you didn't actually need the nutrition. So obviously, as you can tell, all these actions that we take when we are in people pleasing stress cycles, and when we are having a hard time saying no to food in social settings because we don't want to be different, Yes, obviously, as you can see, this is going to sabotage weight loss wins on the scale. It is going to create inconsistent actions where maybe Monday through Friday, when you're in your office, you're kind of able to do the things that you're doing. You're able to eat in a way that hits goals, but maybe Friday night and Saturday night, or every time you go on girls night, or every time you go out with a social group, you end up undoing your results.

  All these actions are getting in the way of consistent execution in your life, right? Whether it's social situations or not, but here's the thing that is equally also important. I also want you to see what your brain is learning. Every time you do this, every time you have a hard time saying no to something because of that people pleasing tendency, because you don't want to be different from the group. Here's what your brain also learns. You learn that you need to eat or drink. To belong in a group, your brain learns that you should be doing what the group is doing to be able to fit in. You learn that that feeling of loneliness or awkward or embarrassment is just too much for you to handle. You learn that you need to be someone that always fits in, which might also impact parenting with your kids. You learn that rejection from someone, because listen, some people are jerks and they will say something if you try to order or eat differently than them. So you learn, your brain learns when you people please, that rejection from that one person is a dire situation. It's like a saber toothed tiger. You don't learn that rejection is just a normal part of being human and navigating real human relationships. You aren't able to access compassion and curiosity for why you feel inadequate or lonely or awkward, just being your amazing self. In fact, you're so occupied by fitting in and eating the way everyone else is eating and drinking, having something in your hands. You don't feel awkward that you're not focused on the meaningful connection and conversation that you could be having.

  The reality is that everyone actually wants to feel belonging. Everyone wants to fit in with their local group, whether it's at the bus stop at soccer practice in your social setting, everyone actually wants this. So it's not just you, but let me tell you why this is especially tender for me as a mom and why this stress cycle response is one that I have really wanted to work on for myself and become deeply aware of because I have been as a kid, as I shared with you, that people pleaser that wants to just fit in, fit in and get along with everyone and go with the crowd and never be different. I've always wanted to be that person. The reason that this is particularly important is because I want to model to my kids how to say no in a group, how to be different, how to allow that feeling of awkwardness and embarrassment and loneliness. If it aligns with their personal values, and this is the part that is hard. This is the part that feels really sticky because that feeling of being different really does make us feel like something is under threat. But for me to teach my kids these tools, I have to go first, and I think that really the intention of this episode is to invite all of us to think about what is it that we want to be modeling to our kids in terms of saying no to large groups, saying no, being different, letting ourselves experience that awkward feeling, having our own back through that experience of possible real rejection, and coming at the other side where we haven't abandoned our values. Brené Brown, who is a famous author and speaker, shares one of my favorite quotes around fitting and belonging that I want to read to you. She says, the research shows that belonging is the opposite of fitting in. Fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking, what do I need to say? What do I need to do? How do I need to act? And changing who you are to fit that. True belonging never asks us to change who we are. It demands that we be who we are. If we fit in because of how we have changed ourselves, that isn't true belonging because you've betrayed yourself for other people. Now, this quote is obviously not just applied to how you eat in social settings. It applies to just how we show up in the world, how we show up in our communities, with our friend circles, with people that we are meeting. And I want to tell you, the reality is that this does feel hard at times, especially if you're someone that has a history of wanting to fit in and trying to fit in.

   

  However, this is where I really like to utilize the ABCD bridge so that you can actually get Catch that feeling, the very normal feeling of wanting to fit in wanting to belong and walk yourself through that emotional experience so that you don't undo your weight loss successes. And really you don't abandon your true values. So using the ABCD bridge, when you're in that people pleasing stress cycle, you can usually tell when you're in it. Step one is a. Awareness. Just catching the fact that you are in that stress cycle. Catch the thought that you're having. What are you thinking that is making you feel inadequate, lonely, awkward, embarrassed? What are you telling yourself about that situation? You might be telling yourself, I just want to fit in. I don't want to be different. I want to do what everyone else is doing, right? Start to catch the sentence in real time. Next is B, B for breathe. The whole intention of this step is to introduce a natural pause between the thought you're having and. And the action you take when we don't do this step, we are often just driving an autopilot, right? We have so many autopilot thoughts, really reflexive habits of just, we just start showing up, right? This is like when you drive to work, you don't even know how you got there. A lot of these stress cycle responses, this applies to fight, flight, freeze, and definitely fawn are habituated patterns. The reason that you go off plan or you're inconsistent is habituated patterns. So B is about introducing a natural pause that drives you to take a minute between your thought and your action. It's going to get you out of that primitive brain, which is on autopilot and activate your prefrontal cortex.

  That is your most evolved thinking. The next step is C. Courage. This is where I want you to practice a feeling, the discomfort of feeling different, allow that awkward feeling, allow the feeling of embarrassment, feeling the fear of possible rejection, allowing that emotion. So it's a vibration in your body is hard, especially if you've not done it, but let this just be a muscle that you take to the gym where you allow that emotion and talk yourself through the experience, right? So you don't want to be judging the fact that you're having this experience, but talk yourself through it. This is me feeling nervous. This is me feeling scared. Just naming the emotion that you're in, the uncomfortable emotion that you're in has been shown. In research to decrease stress signals in your amygdala and a part of your brain. So really catching with that breath, introducing a pause and talking yourself through that feeling. This is me feeling awkward. This is me feeling lonely, having your back in that experience and then practicing courage to allow the emotion is going to game change how you execute in the next step, which is D. Do it anyway. Do it anyway is all about executing on the plan the way that you said you would. Doing it anyway is one of those things where you might historically have associated following your plan with a lot of willpower and grit and grind and you have to like muscle through. That is not what I mean when I say D for do it anyway.

  When you've done steps A, B, and C, these are the, that's the way it goes in order. When you start doing steps A, B, and C, where you catch your thoughts with awareness, take a breath. Notice that my tone and tenor in my experience. There's no yelling at myself. You're not allowed to eat that food. You're not supposed to do it. There's no No talk like that to myself. Steps A, B, and C is catching my thoughts, introducing a natural pause, and really allowing myself to feel uncomfortable while tenderly having my back. Doing it anyway is an act of discipline, but it is one that I know that professional working moms have in spades. Practice doing it anyway is going to start to prove to your brain that you will not die if you say no. You will not die if you are different. Somebody might make a comment, someone might be a jerk, you might experience some rejection, some friendships might change, and you will not die if that happens. Here's what also might happen. As you start practicing this endeavor, this ABCD bridge, when you feel awkward, uncomfortable, or embarrassed, you might start exploring new social activities like New hobbies as an, the adult that you actually are now aligned with what you actually like, you might find new friendships and new people with interests that are actually aligned with you, common hobbies and things that are separate from just eating out. You will start to prove to yourself that two things can be true at the same time, which is I can create connection and belonging. And I don't have to eat to do it. As you do this, you're going to start practicing and flexing a new muscle, which is, it is. possible to create that feeling of connection and belonging while honoring your body goal while honoring your true values. And in fact, in just this practice, you might inspire someone else to do the same. One of my clients was just sharing in the group that this has been a big piece of her work, how she orders in social settings and at work events. And she wanted to be someone that always ordered the same as everyone else. But a lot of our work was her unraveling this. And she shared with us in the unstoppable group, how. She ordered the food the way that she wanted in a way that she knew not only aligned with her body goal But really felt good for her gut and a couple of her co workers Actually commented on how amazing her food looked and they started ordering what she was ordering One of the things I think is so fascinating when we start to take new action We start to challenge our beliefs as we start to open up so many new possibilities For what our lived experiences can actually be as professional working moms.

  I really hope that you enjoyed today's episode on the people pleaser and this specific type of stress cycle response. This is the fourth out of this four part series on the four different stress types that will ever be Literally the only reason that you don't execute on the plan you have now this Friday, if you're listening to this in real time, this Friday, I'm coming to you with a live training, talking to you about how to burn stress, lose weight, and feel better where I teach my three step pie framework. So you understand that yes, execution, which is what we have been talking about in this series is so important, but equally important to executing is actually having a plan. That's P and pie. You have to have a plan that will make you a fat burner that will help you lose weight while feeling satisfied so it has to be a proper plan. Executing was something we have been touching on in the series. And then I is going to be iterating. You have to know how to iterate when we have a random off plan moment, or when we kind of go off track and how to get back on with no drama, you can grab your seat for free for this live training over at burnstressloseweight.com/masterclass is happening this Friday. And I would love, love, love to see you there live. I'll see you next week, my unstoppable friends. Bye. Thanks for spending this time with me on the Burn Stress, Lose Weight podcast today. I hope that you are leaving today's podcast episode feeling a little lighter and more inspired than when we started. It turns out that you don't need to have a stress free life to hit your goals. on and off the scale, but when you feel more empowered to respond to your real life stresses with true strategy, we will game change how we show up and how we hit our goals. If you want to take what you're learning here on the podcast and put it into real life implementation, it might be time for us to work together in the Burn Stress Lose Weight, Feel Unstoppable group coaching program. Head over to burnstressloseweight.com and you can learn all of the details, the nuts, the bolts when the next group is starting and exactly how you can join. Okay, friend, I'll see you next time.