Hey, I'm Dr. Priyanka Venugopal and you're listening to Weight Loss for Unstoppable Moms, Episode 16: Partnering with the Scale. 

This episode is all about creating a partnership with that three digit number you see, every time you step on the scale. I've seen time and time again, and I know because I've done it too. We have a lot of thoughts, laced in frustration, disappointment, and even despair while we're trying to reach our weight loss goals. And this, my friends is adding drag to the work. 

If you want to reach your ideal weight and create lightness for your body you need to have simplicity, joy and strategic decisions infused into your life.

I'm a physician turned life and weight loss coach for ambitious working moms. I've lost over 60 pounds without counting points, calories or crazy exercise plans. Most importantly, I feel calm and light on the scale and in my life. There's some delicious magic when you learn this work and the [00:01:00] skills I'm going to be teaching you.

Ready? Let's get to it.

Hey, Unstoppable friends, how are you? 

If you hear a little pitter patter in the background, it's because it is raining here in New Jersey, but I did not want to hold off on recording this episode for you. It's light enough that you might not hear it, but if you do just wanted to share apologies. I'm going to cut right to the chase at the very start of this episode and then we are going to be going backwards. 

I wanna just share it with you. You cannot create lasting, calm, confident, weight loss if you feel worry, doubt and disappointment in the process. Let me just repeat that again. You cannot actually create lasting, calm, confident weight loss if you're feeling worry, doubt and disappointment in the process.

Now you can totally try, because I know that I have, but I would be willing to bet that it will not last for very long. You know what I hear [00:02:00] most often with the clients that I work with. I hear that more than just reaching that magical three digit number on the scale, that ideal weight that your body wants to naturally be at... my clients, want to feel calm, confident, and proud about themselves and their results.

And I'm going to let you in on a little secret. 

You know, how you create calm and confident results? 

You start feeling calm and confident in the process of creating those results. 

Yes, I know. Now you don't need to wait for that magical three digit number on the scale to feel calm, confident, and proud. Rather you'll likely create that three digit number, that magical weight that you want to be at faster and more effectively, if you felt calm, confident, and proud more often right now. And all too often, I see that the biggest mistake, truly the biggest mistake that I see [00:03:00] that holds back results is believing that you can only feel calm and confident once you've attained those results.

It's like we think we have to earn feeling calm, or we have to earn feeling confident. 

And this is truly the biggest farce that you have likely held onto from a very young age. Now, why is it that we've held onto this farce? It's because you've been taught from your youngest years that you have to earn just about everything good. 

You have to prove it first. So very naturally we've become fairly skeptical. We look at our lack of results in hand, and we have a lot of thoughts and feelings about those lack of results. 

Am I right?

But this creates this constant test, which creates a constant low buzzing skeptic worry. But I think if you're listening to this podcast right now, you're ready to release that low buzzing feeling.

Because honestly, it's creating so much drag and occupying so much of your [00:04:00] bandwidth that could go towards actually creating results. So what's in the way, what's really in the way of feeling calm and confident right now before you have that three digit number in hand... this moment right now, what is in the way for you?

The only thing that is ever, ever, ever, ever in the way is a thought you're having... about yourself, which is often scarred by your past weight loss results. 

And that's what we're diving into in today's episode. 

Your thoughts about your past results and your past weight loss attempts, while they might seem like hard truths are truly the biggest roadblocks to creating calm and confidence right now. 

These thoughts sound like: 

It might not work out. 

I've tried so many times before and it just didn't work.

I've lost the weight before, and this time might not be different. 

I don't know if I'm really capable. 

Sure, I can lose the weight, but I always gain it back. 

These [00:05:00] thoughts, a mix of these creates a very compelling story that keeps you steeped in a little worry, a little nervous and a little doubt.

And what happens when you stay steeped in these emotions is you hesitate, you don't go all in. You're faster to throw in the towel and you stop at the first moment of hard. 

What's crazy is you might even lose those first few pounds, but I guarantee if you don't change that initial story of "it might not work, and I've tried so many times before and I've always gained it back." You will still feel the lingering worry, nervousness, and doubt. 

Even if you lose those first few pounds. 

Does this sound familiar? And what's worse is the longer that you stay here steeped in the past, you hold back newer, bigger and brighter results for your future, which unfortunately creates even more proof for your story to hold. It's like, "See!? I told you!" 

This is what I [00:06:00] call the self-fulfilling prophecy. 

And when we discover really how to uncover what we are thinking and believing about ourselves, about our results and about our past, we can more expertly start navigating this self-fulfilling prophecy to create results we really want in our life.

Let me start with my own personal story because I'm all too familiar with holding calm and confident hostage. Before recently, before right now at this moment in time, the lowest weight I have ever been at in my adult life was probably my wedding day. 

I remember, I worked really hard for it.... and at this point in my life, about 15 years ago, I was really deep in the counting calories and points category. I was logging everything and I was hitting the gym five to six times a week. 

I would say that the weight probably started creeping up basically the day after my wedding. And then during the course of medical school, I gained probably [00:07:00] about 15 pounds. And then during residency, another 40. In all honesty for residency, I probably gained most of that weight in my final year during pregnancy.

And let me tell you, after pregnancy, that weight did not easily melt off after having my son. 

I remember one of the most common thoughts that I had in medical school and residency was I was "so busy." 

I mean, yes, I was busy, truly was I was waking up earlier, I had more responsibilities and I was learning so much, but let's be seriously honest, like real talk for just a moment.

It takes more time to overeat than to not, right? 

But I digress. I remember telling myself the story. I was so busy that I didn't have time to pay much attention to myself. I was too busy and too stressed and working too hard. And because I didn't know better at that time, I didn't have the skills or tools that we were talking about here... I used food to [00:08:00] manage, and it was my best at that time. 

I remember seeing that number on the scale, that three digit number slowly creeping up because I wasn't counting hundred calorie oatmeal packets anymore. And I wasn't in the gym five to six days a week, like I was before my wedding. I didn't keep up with the strict action plan and so of course my results reflected it. And the combination of less sleep and new responsibilities and hard work, laid a solid environment for me to go back to my old familiar patterns. Naturally, because I wasn't really conscious of my overeating patterns... 

I ate to relax. 

I would eat to connect with people.

I would eat to distract from work.

I would eat because I felt bored. 

I would eat to celebrate being done with exams or after a long shift. 

And so of course the scale started to creep up. I still remember distinctly, which just goes to show how unconscious I was, I was actually confused. [00:09:00] I would see that three digit number go up and really in a state of confusion, be like, "wait, I'm not eating that bad, am I?" 

And the little creep wasn't enough for me to really dive below the surface to investigate. Not yet. Anyway, it was just a little creep by a little creep. Just enough for me to try to be good for maybe a week, swap out a salad for a pasta, for a meal or maybe two. And then, because I wouldn't see much movement easily slip back to screw it, forget it, it's not working anyway and go back to my old familiar ways. 

And this is how little by little creep by creep, I gained the weight back after being at my lowest on my wedding day. I still remember that day, stepping on the scale tipping about 200 pounds feeling such defeat.

My initial feelings were really just a jumble of overall UGH. 

I felt terrible about myself for letting it happen. And in a sense, almost woefully [00:10:00] resigned that maybe this was just going to be it. And this was coming from a very long held story that painted a very bleak future. 

The story was a mix of thoughts like:

This was it.

I can't believe myself. 

I can't believe I let this happen.

I probably would never reach my ideal weight. 

This was probably just too hard for me. 

I can't believe that it's gotten to this point now that I've gained so much. 

I mean, can you feel how these thoughts are just dripping with despair? 

And while I was here in a place of this disappointed, doubtful, dripping with despair space, I stayed in a lot of inaction, which not surprisingly led to no results.

I hid from the scale, I overate to distract from my disappointment and then I would give up on the goal. 

Basically, I would break up with myself or more specifically, I would break up with that future version of me at her ideal weight. 

And she [00:11:00] stayed waiting for me longer. 

Now I want to really spell this out.

Being 200 pounds, didn't create that breakup. Gaining all of that weight did not create the breakup. It was the deluge of thoughts, dripping in despair and doubt that I kept on repeat in my mind that really caused the break up. 

I didn't want to feel the despair, the disappointment and the doubt anymore. And so I'd break up with that future version of me and I'd break up with that goal for just a little while. 

But here's what happened....

I distinctly remember this day I was driving to work, rushing to get to the office and I was truly at my heaviest. And I had this moment where I realized I just felt so done feeling that way anymore. And I don't mean hiding or numbing or distracting from it.

I could finally see that the hiding and the distracting was actually prolonging my suffering. And finally, I just felt [00:12:00] done in the best way possible. It's like I saw for the first time that the three digit number wasn't me. Just like the three digit number, isn't you. 

It just represents a series of decisions that we've made.

Let me just repeat that. That three digit number that you see when you step on the scale, isn't you, and it doesn't mean anything about your future capability. It just represents a series of decisions you have made many times in many of your yesterday's. 

That three digit number is a neutral fact, but for many, many, many months and years, I had been assigning so much meaning to it.

I had a heavy story around what it meant about me, and that kept me in the saga of more and more disappointment and despair, which kept me in this past longer and longer. This is when I was really first introduced to [00:13:00] coaching and the think-feel-act cycle. 

Your three digit number isn't disgusting.... It isn't too much... it isn't good or bad. 

The weight you've gained. Isn't disgusting. It isn't too much. It isn't good or bad. 

It is truly just a piece of neutral data. That's all.

And it does reflect the decisions that you have made in all of your yesterdays. When you steep in the despair of your yesterday decisions, you cannot learn from them.

And I think that this is one of the biggest lessons that I have learned in my own 60 pound weight loss journey. The longer that you steep in the despair of yesterday's decisions, the longer that you stay tethered to the past. But if you start to see that three digit number as purely neutral as a data point, and you can start to separate you as a beautiful human from that number now you can get to the harder [00:14:00] work by asking yourself some important questions. 

What created that three digit number? 

Now I see you with your judgy criticism.... and I want to have you put that to the side. Just for a little while, and really ask yourself like you would in a loving and healthy partnership.

"Hey partner, what created you?" Imagine really asking this and being honest. 

What's your answer?

I'm going to share some of mine with you so that you can start to explore and uncover what your answers are. If I was being really honest, some of my answers were:

I eat when I'm uncomfortable or self-conscious because I don't like feeling that way.

I eat when I'm bored for entertainment, because I think it's easy.

I eat when I'm tired to stay awake because I don't wanna go to sleep and miss out on the Fun.

 And [00:15:00] so what I've uncovered is, "oh, I eat food when I'm not actually hungry because I'm trying to fill a deeper need of mine. Oh, there's so much wisdom that we can glean here... right?" 

Now, if you really ask the question from a place of patience and curiosity, what are your answers?

Just uncovering your answers is how you start the journey of creating a loving and healthy partnership with your results on the scale. That three digit number, because listen, I'm recording this whole episode because you cannot lose that next pound when you're judging and criticizing your last one.

Wanting to lose that next pound, wanting to create calm and confidence in the future means releasing criticism and judgment and the dripping despair you have about the last pound. Wanting that future calm while holding onto past criticism creates this inner deeper struggle. And I want to help free you [00:16:00] from this.

Let's just take a short trip to the brain for a quick recap about the two pieces that's really playing a role and why it matters. That evolved prefrontal cortex, which is where your most creative, brilliant solutions arise from and the old primitive part of your brain, the most animalistic part that's triggered when you're in fight flight freeze, or fawn as a survival mechanism.

Both parts of our brain, that brilliant prefrontal cortex and that animalistic primitive part are normal parts of our experience. 

And to live in a lighter body to give your body the green light to release this weight, you have to feel safety first. I guarantee if you are dripping in despair or even having lingering doubt and disappointment, you are feeling the opposite of safe... and your primitive brain is going to ramp up survival and want to hold onto every bit of resource, including excess weight on your body.

When your primitive brain is active when you're dripping your brain in [00:17:00] despair and lingering doubt and disappointment, the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response is activated. 

It's the reason that you ever experience negative self-talk, which I call the sharpest weapon around. 

It's the reason you hide or break up with your goal.

And it's absolutely the reason that you will give up or quit for a day a week, a month. 

But here's the best news. It's important and normal for your primitive brain to be on the watch. It just doesn't need to drive you anymore. I want to paint a picture of what partnering with the scale really looks like.

So let's say you're at the very start of this work again, starting right now. You've decided you're done. You want to feel lighter in your body and you're ready to release some of that dripping despair or that lingering doubt and disappointment. You want to create a future at that weight that feels perfect for you.

So you step on the scale to gather data. 

You see a three digit number pop up. [00:18:00] 

Now, maybe you don't like that number and that's okay. Just notice your reflexive, thoughts and feelings, and recognize that they're normal. Remind yourself that nothing has actually gone wrong.... and now you can start to pivot to your more brilliant, Unstoppable brain accessing your best quality thinking.

Knowing that this three digit number makes perfect sense as a series of decisions you have made in many of your yesterday's: ask yourself like you would in a healthy and loving relationship. Hey, what created you? And be honest.

Your answer might sound like:

I really overate at that weekend barbecue, yesterday.

Maybe 

I hid away in the pantry last night and couldn't stop myself from going through a bag of chips ...

And then ask yourself: Why.

Now I want you to really pay attention to the energy behind asking yourself Why? Because [00:19:00] what I have found is there's the fake why, and then there's like the real question. 

The fake, why sounds kind of like, Ugh, why'd you do that?

It sounds like you're asking a question, but it's not really a question... it's really just judgment, that's like wearing the dress of a question. 

It's just handing up shame, like candy at a candy store. 

And the more we do this, the less, we are really able to be honest. Right?

Here's a quick side note, and then we're gonna come back.

I know when me and my husband have had an argument and maybe I'm actually going to be just like the bigger person and apologize, which by the way is super rare, but let's just say it's happening.... and if he meets me with like, oh, Hey yeah, sure. Like, why did you do that?... in like a loving and curious way, I am so much more likely to answer him from my true place.

And maybe we are actually able to glean and understanding with each other.

As opposed to if my husband says, Ugh, why'd you do that? [00:20:00] My like actual body response is to clam up and get defensive and then we never get anywhere. Right? 

The same is true for partnering with that three digit number on the scale. To dive below the three digit number means really having a paradigm shift in a relationship with yourself.

So if you've been steeped in despair, disappointment, doubt, worry, nervous, frustration. I just want you to know that it's normal and okay.... because you're just used to looking at the past to fuel your belief in your future. And you've had to do that until this moment in time, until you are listening to this podcast episode. It's part of the process.

I had to steep myself in despair for quite a while before I got really sick of it. 

And listen, even after periods of calm and confidence and practicing this work we're talking about and seeing the scale go down, [00:21:00] you will revisit doubt and despair and disappointment again. It's normal. 

There will be ebbs and flows, but now you can just start to catch it and notice it and normalize it and then pivot your brain. Allow it to come and go knowing it's a normal part of the journey.

It just doesn't need to drive you anymore. 

You don't ever have to give up or break up with your future goals ever again. 

Honestly, it's why I can say right now, which I would've never believed if you had asked me a few years ago, I am eternally grateful to my 200 pound self for being there, steeped in the despair, disappointment and doubt.

I had to be stuck there for a while because it was a part of my journey. I had to go through those phases of my life to get to this moment in time, because all of those past moments, all of my yesterday decisions were the best that I could do in that moment. 

I ate to relax. I ate for fatigue. [00:22:00] I ate for boredom. I ate to avoid stress, and that was my best. 

And I had to go through that period for me to get to this moment, talking to you right now. I didn't develop a partnership with my results on the scale overnight. I had to really see with eyes wide open, how not having a partnership with myself and the results on the scale was affecting my long term goals.

I had to see how staying steeped was actually prolonging the disappointment and the doubt, and that that was what was holding me back. A healthy partnership is actually asking and answering questions, honestly, with curiosity and love, noticing your reflexive thoughts and feelings, and then not steeping yourself in them.

Pivoting to asking yourself important questions. 

Hey love. Why did we do that? What was going on for us? 

And actually ask the [00:23:00] question and understand.

If your initial answer is, I don't know. I don't know why I did that. That's okay, too. I just want you to take your best guess anyway, this is how you start creating a healthy partnership.

And I'm telling you asking this question and answering is the harder work, but I promise you revealing these answers is how you partner with yourself to create lasting calm and lasting confidence, because you can glean so much wisdom when you learn from your past and it's how you stop repeating old patterns.

Instead of hiding or judging your past, let's learn from it. 

I'm telling you friends, you can absolutely, and seriously love yourself as a whole and perfect human and at the same time, not love every decision you've ever made. 

Give yourself permission to release the past while gleaning wisdom from it and learn how to separate the two. [00:24:00] Our sense of self, our whole amazing beautiful selves can be totally separate from the decisions we have made.

We are more than the decisions we have made, and we are way more than the three digit number on the scale. 

But when we learn how to become truly honest with ourselves and answer these questions, we uncover the answers to creating a different result for tomorrow. Releasing the past and partnering with your results today is how you create space for calm, confident, and proud every step of the way to tomorrow and truly the best, most effective way to creating lasting results on the scale.

Get out their friends and be- friend and partner with your results. And then report back! Leave me a comment or review, or send me an email at [email protected]. And tell me how this goes for you. 

I cannot wait to hear from you. I'll see you next week. 

If you've been loving this weekly [00:25:00] podcast, you'll want to get some daily magic into your brain by following me over on Instagram, you can find me over @theunstoppablemombrain. You can follow my Instagram stories or my posts to get real time stories and tips to help you create more of your paradigm shift in this relationship with yourself. 

And of course, be on the look out. My next Unstoppable Group will be enrolling in September and you can learn all about it all of the details over at theunstoppablemombrain.com/group. 

I can't wait to see you next week. Bye! 

Thanks for listening to Weight Loss for Unstoppable Moms. It's been an honor spending this time with you and your brilliant brain. If you want more information or resources from the show, visit theunstoppablemombrain.com[00:26:00]